{"id":521,"date":"2019-06-26T12:00:08","date_gmt":"2019-06-26T17:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/?p=521"},"modified":"2019-05-28T15:38:26","modified_gmt":"2019-05-28T20:38:26","slug":"5-ways-to-help-your-marriage-thrive-during-grad-school","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/2019\/06\/26\/5-ways-to-help-your-marriage-thrive-during-grad-school\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Ways to Help Your Marriage Thrive During Grad School"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong><em>\u201cBeing a graduate student is like becoming all of the Seven Dwarves. In the beginning you\u2019re Dopey and Bashful. In the middle, you are usually sick (Sneezy), tired (Sleepy), and irritable (Grumpy). But at the end, they call you Doc, and then you\u2019re Happy.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><em>\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u2013Ronald Azuma<\/p>\n<p>Grad school is not meant to be a walk in the park. The responsibilities associated with being a grad student involve completing coursework, providing treatment, conducting testing\/assessment evaluations, working on research projects, teaching courses, fulfilling practicum requirements, preparing for supervision meetings, writing your thesis, dissertation, and clinical documentation, and involvement in professional organizations (just to name a few).<\/p>\n<p>These tasks are doable. They require a lot of work and time management skills, but they are doable.<\/p>\n<p><strong>But what if you have a spouse at home who expects your time and wonderful attentive nature?<\/strong> You won\u2019t be the only one who\u2019s Grumpy. Being a spouse requires an even greater commitment.<\/p>\n<p>As a spouse you provide:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b><strong>Emotional Support<\/strong> \u00a0 <\/b>Such as love, encouragement, kindness, and respect.<\/li>\n<li><b><strong>Household Maintenance<\/strong> \u00a0 <\/b>Chores such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the dishes.<\/li>\n<li><b><strong>Financial Stability\u00a0 <\/strong><\/b>Perhaps your spouse isn\u2019t in grad school and they are providing the majority of the financial support to the relationship \u2013 if so, thank them.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>There is not any substantial research that examines the successes of married graduate students. Some older studies have reported that marriage during graduate school is inherently detrimental to the relationship [1], while more current research suggests that marriage can be a supportive factor that contributes to married graduate student successes [2].<\/p>\n<p>Due to the lack of research, we\u2019re currently left to the advice of married grad students to share their experiences with the goals of making it work. I don\u2019t pretend to be the best grad student around, nor do I believe that I have the key to a successful marriage.<\/p>\n<p>This advice stems from the musings and self-reflections of a married doctoral student who is somehow balancing the demands of becoming a clinical psychologist with those of being a good husband.<\/p>\n<h2><strong>My Top 5 Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage in Grad School<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>(Attention Directors of Clinical Training and All Supervisors: See #4!)<\/p>\n<p>So if you\u2019re in grad school and thinking of getting married or you have already taken your vows, here are my <strong>Top 5 Tips to Nourish Your Marriage (While Still Being a Good Student):<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>\n<h3>Prioritize With Perspective<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>If like me, you are more in favor of putting your spouse first over various aspects of grad school, then you\u2019re more likely to find yourself creating and maintaining a strong spousal relationship while learning the skills germane to your graduate program.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Marriage is meant to last a lifetime \u2013 thankfully grad school is not.<\/strong> With the average doctoral graduate program meant to last 5 years, and the average lifespan reaching 79, how much are you willing to sacrifice aspects of your most important relationship to appease a supervisor who only influences 6% of your life?<\/p>\n<p>On the other hand, if you\u2019re not married and you can\u2019t possibly see yourself devoting your energy and attention to anyone outside of grad school, then maybe holding off on saying \u201cI do\u201d is a better option for you.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ol start=\"2\">\n<li>\n<h3>Learn to (Kindly) Say \u201cNo\u201d<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>It\u2019s unlikely that you would\u2019ve gotten to grad school without believing that working hard would bring you success.<\/p>\n<p>With grad school being a source of many great opportunities, it might be tempting to write that book chapter, take on extra patients, or teach that extra course. It\u2019s important to keep in mind <strong>that saying \u201cno\u201d does not equal laziness.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Appropriately declining extra work demonstrates (1) that you are aware of your limits as a student and professional, and (2) that you don\u2019t want the work you do to suffer as a result of over-commitment.<\/p>\n<p>Saying \u201cno\u201d is key to balancing your grad school requirements and your marriage, and being able to balance various aspects of your personal and professional life is paramount in preventing burnout [3].<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kindly <\/strong>is certainly an important takeaway here. Remember, a spouse can be the buffer between you kindly declining someone\u2019s request and feverishly hitting reply to that email only to later regret appearing unprofessional.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ol start=\"3\">\n<li>\n<h3>Create the Marriage You Want<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>We are all creatures of habit. From little things like needing to sleep on the left side of the bed, to larger patterns like trouble communicating with your spouse \u2013 routine turns into comfort.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s hard to think of life after grad school, but that time will eventually come. The habits that we develop during grad school are likely to stay with us after graduation.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s easy to get in the mindset of \u201cthis is all temporary;\u201d however, the ways you manage your time, divide up household chores, and communicate with your spouse will turn into a well-oiled routine that is unlikely to change simply because you graduated.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Picture the marriage you want to have and start working toward that goal now!<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3><\/h3>\n<ol start=\"4\">\n<li>\n<h3>Involve Your Spouse in Your Self-Care Routine<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Self-care is such an important aspect for behavioral health students and professionals alike, and unfortunately, the current data examining self-care in graduate schools is deplorable.<\/p>\n<p>For example, 82.8% of graduate students report that their programs don\u2019t provide written self-care materials, 63.4% report that their programs don\u2019t even support or promote self-care activities or practices, and 59.3% don\u2019t even promote informal self-care atmospheres [4].<\/p>\n<p>There are many ways in which you can incorporate your spouse into your self-care practices. Together you can:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Exercise<\/li>\n<li>Cook healthy meals<\/li>\n<li>Meditate<\/li>\n<li>Work on puzzles<\/li>\n<li>Take on new hobbies<\/li>\n<li>Listen to music<\/li>\n<li>Visit farmer\u2019s markets and\/or garage sales<\/li>\n<li>Create art<\/li>\n<li>Walk the dogs<\/li>\n<li>Plan regular date-nights<\/li>\n<li>Go out with mutual friends<\/li>\n<li>Take periodic vacations<\/li>\n<li>Plan breaks in your day where you can both be together<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Involving your spouse with activities that you both enjoy will help decrease the angst and resentment that many spouses may find themselves feeling as a result of being married to a graduate student.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ol start=\"5\">\n<li>\n<h3>Don\u2019t Skimp on Intimacy<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>As a grad student you already schedule meetings, courses, and patients.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re able to be spontaneous, keep it up! But if not, give your spouse the same care and level of importance and <strong>schedule times when the two of you can focus solely on each other.<\/strong> This means no TV, no cell phones, and no pets.<\/p>\n<p>The more you incorporate intimacy, the less you will need to schedule it in.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h6>References<\/h6>\n<h6>[1] Brooks, A. (1988, November 03). For Graduate Students, Marriage Presents a Special Problem. Retrieved May 24, 2016.[2] Price, J. (2006). Does a spouse slow you down? Marriage and graduate student outcomes [Electronic version]. Retrieved May 24, 2016.[3] Rupert, P.A., Stevanovic, P., &amp; Hunley, H. A. (2009). Work-family conflict and burnout among practicing psychologists. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 40, 194-200. Doi:10.1037\/a0011860[4] Norcross, J.C., &amp; Guy, J.D. (2007). Leaving it at the office: A guide to psychotherapist self-care. New York, NY: Guilford Press.<\/h6>\n<h6>Carter, L. A., &amp; Barnett, J. E. (2014). Self-care for clinicians in training: A guide to psychological wellness for graduate students in psychology. New York, NY, US: Oxford University Press.<\/h6>\n<h6>Schwartz-Mette, R. A. (2009). Challenges in addressing graduate students impairment in academic professional psychology programs. Ethics &amp; Behavior, 19, 91-109. Doi: 10.1080\/10508420902768973<\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cBeing a graduate student is like becoming all of the Seven Dwarves. In the beginning you\u2019re Dopey and Bashful. In the middle, you are usually sick (Sneezy), tired (Sleepy), and irritable (Grumpy). But at the end, they call you Doc, and then you\u2019re Happy.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u2013Ronald Azuma Grad school is not meant to be a walk in [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9,10],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-521","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-advice","8":"category-life-of-a-grad-student","9":"category-tips"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/6\/2019\/05\/gradmarriage.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/521","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=521"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/521\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":544,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/521\/revisions\/544"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=521"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=521"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.tntech.edu\/graduate\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=521"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}