‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (Graduate Student Edition)
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the lab,
Not a creature was stirring, not even an undergrad;
The lab coats were hung by the fume hood with care,
In hopes that our PI soon would be there;
Some grad students were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of publications danced in their heads
But my labmate with her tea, and I with my mocha (peppermint),
Had just settled down for a long-ass experiment,
When out in the parking lot there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my lab bench to see what was the matter.
Over to the window I trudged with a teeth-gnash
Tore off my latex gloves, and threw them in the trash.
The moon on the breast of our newly-parked cars
Highlighted our drudgery, in the lab at all hours,
When what did my watering eyes did appear,
But a Mini-Coop, and eight boxes of lab supplies…oh dear.
With a little old driver, much smarter and wiser
I knew in a moment he must be my advisor.
More rapid than peer reviews his orders they came,
And he mulled over, and pondered, then called them by name:
“Now glass cleaning! Now grading! Now culturing and DNA extractions!
On, lit reviews! On, data analysis! On, exams and presentations!
To the end of this semester! To the end of the fall!
Now, slave away! Slave away! Slave away all!”
As students to free post-seminar snacks fly,
When they find some more coffee, and get a caffeine high;
So over to the lab bench the grad students we flew
With our hands full of lab supplies, and our lab notebooks too—
And then, in a twinkling, I heard (though it’s not my strong suit)
The stepping and stomping of each loafer boot.
As I looked up from my research, and was turning around,
Down the hallway came my advisor with a bound.
… (Tra la la nose like a cherry, bowl full of jelly, tra la)
A squint of his eyes and a turn of his head
Soon gave me to know I had data to spread(sheet)
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the grant applications; then turned with a jerk,
And grabbing his laptop, from his office desk he rose
And giving a nod, out the lab doors he goes;
He sprang to his car, to his students gave a wave,
And away he drove, probably back to his research cave.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy Lab-Mas to all, and to all a good night!”